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Cancer & Work !
Wednesday, 18th July 2007; I walked into the office at 8:37 and as I walked in, Elsa looked up at me from where she was standing, talking to Carla another work colleague. “Sorry I’m late” I said. I couldn’t believe what I saw; the look that I got from her. Her eyes just glared at me, her whole facial expression was of disapproval as though this was a regular occurrence from me. I was never late; I always caught the same bus every morning which I must point out usually got me into the office by 20 past 8. She shrugged her shoulders and quickly looked away from me as if to avoid having to say anything to me. As I sat down at my desk, biting my tongue as I so much wanted to say something to her I heard a little voice “Are you alright Karen” I looked round, it was Julie; the only person to acknowledge me.
I was still feeling the effects of the sleeping tablets and wondered if I shouldn’t have taken them. Maybe I should have left them for the weekend as my eyes wouldn't focus properly on my monitor. Oh! I so wished that I could just close them and go back to sleep. I was wishing that I had stayed at home.The whole morning was spent trying to work on the company database. I have just recently been given the database to sort out, to check that all entries are up to date; this means that I have to check that the contact names, phone numbers and addresses are all correct. Once this is done then I have to categorize each one so that it makes it easier to do mail merges. It's a boring and tedious job and I am wondering if they are planning to do to me as they did to an ex work colleague. You see not long after I had started, a young man was put on the company data base to be told not long after, that he wasn't needed anymore, and was as the company put it. 'Let Go'. I can't remember the last time I was involved in the invoicing, which is in fact the job that I was hired to do, alongside Elsa.
Later in the afternoon the effects of the sleeping tablets eventually wore off and I actually felt like I had some energy for once. The office seemed to be pretty quiet and I just wanted so much to be the old Karen.The old Karen from before the cancer and the treatments.The Karen who had hair and would laugh and Joke with everyone.The old Karen that everyone used to laugh and joke with.These days though it is very different.Oh yes; work colleagues do speak to me but it is not like it used to be and I think a lot are afraid of what to say.Conversations have suddenly become very serious and are about work only.A few have on the odd occasion asked me how I am.But the thing is, I am struggling to keep at work to have a bit of normality in my life, I want to be treated as normal, and as if none of this cancer thing is happening.There is still more to me than cancer and treatments.I want to have the banter with them like before, maybe they don’t like what they see, what the chemo is doing to me.Maybe they think I’ll fall asleep on them or start yawning mid way through their conversation.Now that wouldn’t be too far from the truth and I have in fact done that.Yawn that is, but this was not done on purpose but through the tiredness that I was now experiencing more and more from the chemo.Julie and Carla seem to be the only ones who are being normal with me, and chat and talk about anything and everything just like they did before the cancer.
One person in particular has changed towards me though and to tell you the truth it is really getting to me.This morning’s fiasco was definitely uncalled for.Why has she turned so nasty towards me?Is it something I have done?I have tried to pinpoint when and why her attitude has changed.She was fine with me up until going on her honeymoon, in that she was so sorry that she wouldn’t be around for me when I had my first chemo, even to the point of sending me an email during her honeymoon to see how I was.It was after coming back that her attitude changed, the first instance being when I had asked if I could go home early due to being so tired.This happened on a couple of occasions, and then I was made to feel guilty when I phoned in sick.
Why should I be made to feel guilty about it, it’s not right. If I’m not well then I’m not well, if I’m too tired to stay at work, then I’m too tired and need to go home and If I’m late into work due to sleeping tablets then I’m late.Don’t blame me; I didn’t ask for any of this and I think I have enough to contend with without getting hassle or snide remarks from the likes of her.My oncologist pre-warned me of the tiredness and has prescribed sleeping tablets to me for a reason and right now I don’t give a shit what she thinks. This is my health, it’s me who is having the chemo, it’s me who has cancer.Not her.
There I’ve done it; I’ve had a moan, my first moan since this entire cancer thing started. But aren’t I supposed to feel better now that I have gotten that off my chest?If so then why don’t I?I can feel my blood boiling, she has so got to me today, but like always I just plod along as if everything is ok just to keep the piece. Well it’s not ok.I’m screaming inside and I now know that I have to learn to stick up for myself and not let people like her treat me this way.I am NOT a walk over and I will NOT let people like her treat me like I’m a piece of shit.If I’ve done something wrong then at least have the guts to tell me rather than giving me dirty looks and snubbing me when I talk to her.Today I have actually considered what Lee has been asking me to do.He has for a few weeks now been nagging me to go on the sick due to him experiencing what I am like when I have been to work.Lee thinks and is worried that it’s too much for me now.I come home from work and with a matter of 10-15 minutes after sitting down I have fallen asleep.I get up in a morning, go straight to work, come home and go straight to sleep.Where is the time for me, where is the time for me and Lee and where is the time for me and my family?I’ll tell you where;It’s wasted at work and I say wasted because I’m not even allowed to do my normal job anymore, only tedious little jobs that a school leaver would be able to do, the job that I have known to be given prior to be ‘Let Go’.This is the reason why I am struggling to stay at work; I don’t want to lose my job. I love it.When I’m allowed to do it that is.
At 5:30 on the dot and not a second later I was straight out of the door, out the building and on my way to meet Lee.I was so pleased that the day was over and even more pleased at the fact that I had booked a holiday for tomorrow.Right now I hated that place.Lee was at the top of the road waiting for me and as soon as I jumped into the car, he knew something was wrong.I told him what Elsa did this morning and that was it; Lee went into overdrive.Chuntering on and on about going on the sick.“Come on Karen” he kept saying “You’re not getting any thanks for being there and you don’t get a medal you know”.I was adamant that I wanted to carry on working but Lee kept going on about it.I know he means well and I know that it may come to a point when I do have to go on the sick, but for the time being I want to work.My emotions took over and by the time we got home I was in tears.Tears because of the day at work, tears because Lee was pushing for me to go on the sick and tears just for the sake of it.This riled Lee even more seeing me now in tears and blamed the whole thing on work.So what! If I wanted to have a cry; why shouldn’t I?Aren’t I entitled?A little like this morning after shortly arriving to work.Not wanting anyone to see me I went into the toilets.What a laugh, the toilets are now becoming my best friend at work as I always seem to be going there.I might go there to have a little cry for something as silly as getting a hot flush and wanting to take my bandana off to cool down for a moment or I might go there for a longer period of time to have a right good old bawl because some certain person was giving me some attitude.
Anyway as I said, by the time Lee and I arrived home I was in tears.I just wanted to put my feet up, relax and have some piece.Lee went straight upstairs and ran a bath for me complete with lit candles around the edge and a glass of red wine.He’s such a darling and I couldn’t have wished for a better partner.This bath time though rather than laughing and joking was full of serious conversation and emotion.My tap had been switched on and a never ending stream of tears poured out.“I hate seeing you like this” Lee had said to me.“I know and I hate feeling like this” I had answered him.I eventually settled down.I could see that Lee was concerned; he had gone quiet which is usually a sign that he is not happy and is thinking hard about whatever it is he isn’t happy about.I know that he was thinking about me and work but at the end of the day it is my decision, and my decision is to carry on working as long as possible.To pack in now and go on the sick would to me be like giving in.I don’t want to give in; I don’t want to give in to Elsa, the chemo or the cancer.I have too much fight in me for that.
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