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To Sleep or Not To Sleep !
8 o’clock in the evening and I’m settled on the sofa with Lee, I had just taken my 2 sleeping tablets as prescribed by my oncologist.Lee and I had already prepared the bed with the bath sheets and now it was just a matter of time to wait for the pills to start working.I have taken them quiet early as I am not sure how these will actually affect me in the morning for work.I do hope that they will work and I get a full night of undisturbed sleep.No waking up for a drink, no waking up for the toilet and no waking up from a wet bed which hopefully the bath sheets work wonders too.
Lee was massaging my head for me which in fact is a really nice sensation when you’re bald.His hands were warm and even though he is 6’ 4” tall his touch is so gentle.We lay listening to music and chatting.“I am so proud of you” Lee told me “You have amazed me with how strong and positive you are being and I have to admit that at first, I honestly didn’t think that you were strong enough and it worried me”.I looked up at him and smiled. “If someone had asked me before all this I think I would have said the same, but somehow I seem to be gaining strength that I didn’t know I had, it’s almost as if I am feeding on your strength”.He hugged me nice and tight and kissed me on top of my head.
This is so true though, if I had been asked prior to all this of what my reaction would have been and how I would have coped; I would have had to answer with; a complete and utter mess and probably that I wouldn’t have been able to cope at all.But somehow from somewhere deep within me I have turned into this brave positive woman with strength that I did not know that I had and I put this all down to Lee and the family.They have kept me positive and they have kept me strong.I have so much to thank them for and I don’t even think they know how much they are helping me.Hopefully one day when they read this they will realise that if it wasn’t for them I would right now be a complete and utter mess.I feel so very lucky to have them, the love and affection that they have shown me.Not just since the cancer but throughout the years before hand.I felt a tear roll down my cheek. . . and then another.Lee obviously seeing this asked me so concerning “Karen! Why are you crying? What’s the matter darling?”“I ... I’m so happy” I whimpered.Lee started to laugh “Your crying because you’re happy?”“Yes” I sobbed “Be. .Because I feel so loved and I love you so much and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now and...”“Oh my God I’ve seen it all now” he carried on “Crying because you feel happy, I think this chemo stuff is definitely affecting your hormones”.This probably wasn’t too far from the truth.My menstrual cycle had stopped; I was having the hot sweats (which is an understatement) so obviously my hormones were affected to the point of me starting to cry at the least little thing.I am in fact going through the change.Not quite 40yrs old yet and going through the change.Going through the change for the second time in my life; the first being with the IVF treatment and now with the chemo.But this time it will run full course.This time there is a very high chance that it will be permanent, monthly’s never to return again.This is a blessing really;I don’t need them, I can’t have children anyway so why be bothered about all the stomach cramps, migraines and mess when there is no need for them.I am hoping that these hot sweats are down to the chemo though and not the change as they are getting worse by each passing day.My mum still suffers from them now and she went through the change years ago, so I am keeping my fingers and everything else crossed that they are due to the chemo.At the moment I try not to think about other menopausal symptoms, I am just concentrating on getting through the chemo and what that throws my way.I will just tackle any other menopause symptoms later if and when they appear.
It was now 9:10pm and at last I could feel my eye lids getting heavy.How strange though as lately I can’t keep my eyes open by the time it gets to 8 and now for some reason I am still up after 9.I don’t think these sleeping tablets are going to work.Oh please, please let them work.
“Karen.Karen, come on darling” I could hear my name being called; it was very quiet and seemed very far away.I was so comfortable and didn’t want to move.I had a feeling of being wrapped up in fluffy soft feathers that were protecting me and keeping me warm.Where was I? I was floating; floating on fluffy white clouds and the sun was shining warmly down on me. “Karen!” I heard my name again.Where is that voice coming from I thought as I looked around the slowly fading feathers?“Karen” Again my name was called.“Come on Darling, Wake up” This time though I knew where it was coming from.I was so comfortable and didn't want to leave this place, this place of tranquillity; the feathers, clouds and sun were fading fast as I slowly started to come back to reality.I tried to grasp at the last remaining segments still fading and slowly floating away from me into my now distant dreamland.I peered through my heavy eye-lids to see Lee sitting over me.“Come on” he said “Go to bed”.I had fallen asleep.The time was 9:40pm.
The bed seemed more comfortable than usual and as I curled up into a little ball on my side, Lee kissed the top of my head and bang I was gone; and back into dream land.Whether it is a side effect of the sleeping tablets or not but Wow!! I did dream.Not the nice sort of dream that I had just had but a very weird dream.Under normal circumstances, I mean without sleeping tablets, I suppose this dream would have woke me but being under the influence I just kept sleeping and dreaming.I dreamt that people were chasing me and trying to eat me, I had to run from them knowing that my survival depending on it.I kept running and running until I got a safe distance from them and found a nice quite place to hide, but this was never for long as the zombie like people soon found me again.Scratching at my clothes, and trying to bite chunks out of me.They were very strong but somehow my strength superseded there’s.I had super human powers and was able to fight them off without a scratch on me and run away once again.This kept repeating itself, me running, hiding, fighting them off and then running again.Running and fighting because I knew my life depended on it.I started to hear a strange sound, a sound that I had not heard for such a long time.A sound getting louder and louder through the screeching sounds of the Zombies.Someone was normal, normal like me and was playing a radio.Why on earth would they play a radio, surely they would know that it would attract the zombie’s attention.The radio got louder and louder, I was getting more nervous until I realised that as the music grew louder the zombie’s grew quieter.It was scaring them off.No it wasn’t.As the last zombie faded I realised what the sound was.
I woke to the sound of my phone ringing.I turned to where my phone sits on the bedside cabinet.It was Lee.Why is he ringing? Where is he? What time is it?These were some of the questions running through my head along with ‘What a strange dream’ as I struggled to reach over to answer it.Lee was ringing to check that I was alright; he had been ringing for ages and had been diverted to my voicemail 6 times.I had overslept and Lee knew I had.The time was 7:45am and I had to be at work for 8:30.After hanging up from Lee I struggled out of bed and trundled into the bathroom to rinse my face with cold water, to try and wake myself up.I was so tired, it felt like I had sandpaper rubbing against my eyes every time I opened and closed my eyelids. ‘Coffee’ I thought.‘I need coffee’.I was so pleased that I didn’t have to mess about with hair, not having hair actually saves me a lot of time and on occasions like this; time is of the essence.And so after a quick coffee, a quick slap of the make-up and wig thrown on I was dressed and out of the house by 8:15.I had made it for the 8:20 bus.
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