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Night Out !
After a nice nap on the sofa it was time to get ready for the farewell party. Lee and I are going to a Leaving Party for Ann and John some friends of ours who are packing up and emigrating to Cyprus. Is it a mistake to go? Will it be too much for me? As I am feeling now would answer 'Yes' but then again I am stubborn and the thought that a little chemo can stop me from doing what I want to do is definitely a time for me to say' Hey, get lost, I want to have some fun'.
After taking my anti-sickness tablets and steroids I headed up for a nice soak in the bath. While laying there my hands went into auto pilot; straight for the lump. I smiled knowing for sure now that the lump had shrunk. I’m half way there for this phase of the chemo, which is another feel good factor. I lay reflecting on the day’s events, tired and feeling physically exhausted. I shouldn’t have gone visiting and shopping between the appointments. I should have gone home to rest as I’m not sure that I will be able to make it through the night ahead. ‘This bath is too hot’ I could feel myself burning up. ‘But the water isn’t that hot, it’s just my head that feels hot’. I rubbed my hands over my now bald head to splash water over it to try and cool it down. It feels weird; I’m still not used to the way it feels yet. The greyness is disappearing now so the visible signs of where my hair line was are slowly fading. ‘How long will I be bald for? Again the heat starts rising up from the back of my neck, up my face carrying on up to the top of my head. Again I rubbed my head trying desperately to cool off. After reaching for the razor I realised that the hairs on my legs had not grown back fully, they were patchy. The chemo is definitely working and before long I will be able to put the razor away for a nice long rest. I smiled again, and then slowly and carefully I got out of the bath
I took my time getting ready and made an extra effort on my make-up. My skin feels different; better if anything as my make-up is going on lot better. Spotting the eyebrow pencil I decided to make a start on getting use to pencilling in my eyebrows which isn’t hard when you still have them. It would get me used to doing them if they did disappear. The whole process of getting ready had drastically reduced to a maximum of 20 minutes instead of the usual two hours. I was feeling a little bloated now with all the iced water that I had been drinking to cool me down from the hotness I was now getting in waves. I stood in front of the tall mirror looking at my reflection. What do I look like? I wish I had the guts to go out like this. Maybe a spot of self tan on my shiny bald head would do the trick. I wonder what comments I would get if I didn’t wear my wig. There would definitely be lots of stares and maybe that nattering between themselves looking over at you making it perfectly obvious that they are talking about you. Definitely not ready for that, so far there has only been Lee, his mum and Luke who has seen the bald me. Or as Luke calls me 'the alien'. Ipicked Jordon up and placed her neatly upon my head and stood there for a few minutes taking in the reflection that was peering back at me. I felt good and definitely liked the look of the image of me standing there. Smiling and feeling very confident I walked downstairs to Lee who was sat in the lounge putting his shoes on. Looking up at me, his face grew into a huge smile "Corr! You look gorgeous". He said.
I was feeling a little nervous walking into the party; I didn’t want to be stared at, which is a drastic change for me as with the previous modelling I am used to being stared at, judged and talked about, but knowing that I was wearing a wig and going through cancer treatment has made quite an impact on my self confidence. The one thing that I didn't want was looks of sympathy, the long stares and for anyone to feel pity or sorry for me. After all I am still the same person with the same personality. That is something that will never change. My personality is something that I was born with and one of the reasons why I am loved so much and the reason why Lee fell in love with me. I may have lost my hair and I know I will lose my breasts but breast cancer cannot eat away at my personality and I do hope that everyone will still treat me the same as before.
There were a few positive comments from people who knew that I was having the chemo treatment, things like; ‘Wow! You look amazing’ and ‘Oh my god, your wig is fantastic’. These comments were out of the way at the very start and the evening started to be more and more normal as the night went on. No one has said anything to me about not been able to drink while on chemo and so as it is very compulsory for me to have my white wine and soda on nights out, tonight was no different. What I did notice though was that my drinks were lasted 4 times longer than they normally did. This is so much not like me, I love my wine, and my mum calls me a fish as I normally drink quite quickly, usually resulting in me getting quite loud and giddy. Every now and then Lee would ask me if I was Ok of which I would nod, smile and tell him I was feeling fine.
I started to feel a little fidgety a little later on and was relieved when they announced that the buffet was open. I was starving and after filling my plate I started to dig in, only to find that after one sausage roll I was picking at my food rather than eating it. Why am I picking at my food? I never pick at food. Picking at it a little more and trying different things that I had put on my plate I realized that none of it tasted right. Why does it taste so funny? My head was spinning and was starting to feel very drained and light headed. I know I wasn't drunk as I'd only had one drink and was struggling to get through my second. The drunken feeling of the chemo was more severe, I was very fidgety and wanted desperately to rip the wig from my head, I was flushing hot and cold and felt a little uncomfortable and hoped that no one noticed my face getting red. 'There was all sorts going around in my mind. I didn't really want to be there anymore but I at the same time I didn't want to spoil Lee's night. Looking over at him stood with his brother he was smiling, laughing and joking about. He was having fun. Yes he was having fun and enjoying himself which I truly wanted him to do. He deserved it; he has been such strength to me. He's been there for me, making me laugh when I looked miserable or giving me comfort and reassurance when he though I needed it. While I lay in the bath one night, he looked down at me, smiled and said "You are so beautiful" This comment came from out of the blue but really meant a lot to me especially with the way that I am now looking and made me laugh”What even with my bald head" I replied "Yes even with your bald head, Everything about you is beautiful" he smiled and went on to say the sweetest things of why he loves me so much. My eyes, my smile, figure. My personality, strength and warped sense of humour. Hearing him saying these things with so much serenity I felt myself fill up and tears slowly began to fill my eyes. Even though I had a few tears, these were happy tears. Slushy I know but it is because of the way Lee is and the way that he has been this last month that I wanted him to let his hair down and have some fun. No matter how much I tried to enjoy myself I couldn't I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep, lay back in my comfortable bed and not sit in that uncomfortable chair. After fidgeting on my chair more and more Lee realized that I needed some rest so at 9.30pm we said our farewells to Anne and John who thanked us once again for being there for their farewell party.
It's been a very long busy day. I think that I’m experiencing a few more side effects to what I had with my first treatment. I was disappointed that I gave in so soon to the symptoms that I was now experiencing as normally I would be one of the last ones to leave a party. The constant asking from Lee and the others of how I was, I had to give in and take theirs and Dr Chan’s advice and listen to my body, and right now my body was telling me I needed some rest and that a party and being sat upright in an uncomfortable chair was not the place to do it.
I don't regret going to the party and wouldn't have had it any other way. I do wish though that I had rested during the day instead of visiting and shopping, maybe I could have still been one of the last ones to leave the party. After arriving home I headed straight up to bed and can't even remember my head touching the pillow. I have never experienced tiredness like this before but hopefully after a couple of days like the last time, this will pass so I can be as normal as possible and do the things I want to do instead of giving in and being a party pooper.
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