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Third Chemo Day
Friday 20th July 2007; Day of my third chemo and after my mum and I had a quick breakfast consisting of a slice of toast with plenty of butter and a smothering of strawberry jam we made our way to the hospital.Not wanting to stress my mum out and have a repeat performance of yesterday we had decided that it was probably best that I drive, Well I did know the way and the chances of getting lost with my mum driving were a good 99%.
We arrived at the hospital with 10 minutes to spare, checked in at the desk and made our way to the waiting room where we made ourselves a cuppa and took a couple of seats over in the far corner.It was quite busy this morning and even though the wait was along one I would not have wanted it any other way.Up to now my mum has been petrified of all this cancer business.Petrified of her little girl having breast cancer, petrified of her little girl having to have chemo and petrified of why her little girl is insisting on having a bilateral mastectomy.She can’t understand why and thinks that I am being a bit drastic in wanting this.The thought of her little girl even though I will be turning 40 tomorrow losing one breast is bad enough but to lose both is something that she cannot get her head around.Until today that is. Today was a learning experience for both of us which in turn has made my mum realise and understand why I want a bilateral mastectomy and also made me more certain that this is the right decision for me to take.
We sat and talked to a couple of other breast cancer patient, I was the youngest there, this didn’t concern me what did was the fact that these ladies were there having chemo for the 2nd or even the 3rd time around.My mum and I talked and listened intently, learning why these women were here for the 2nd or 3rd time.Reasons varied from person to person; there were some that the same cancer had returned in the same breast, some that the cancer had returned in the other breast and some that the cancer had returned elsewhere in their body.There was also a lady there who had developed a different cancer in her other breast after had beaten the disease 15 years ago. My mind went into overdrive talking to these women.‘What if’ I have to go through what these are going through? ‘What if’ I can’t get rid of the cancer? ‘What if’ my cancer returned?Would I be strong enough to be able to go through chemo again?I know right now that I feel strong and very positive that I am going to beat this but the thought of being sat here again in another year, 5 years or even 20 years does scare me a little and I honestly don’t think that I could be strong enough to do it again like these other women.What surprised me was the way they talked.Even though they were going through chemo yet again they were still confident and positive. They didn’t let the cancer get to them; they were laughing and joking with each other.What made it more amazing was how they shared each other’s experiences, how they shared information with each other on how to get around the awful chemo side effects.Some patients travelled to the hospital every week for their chemo which made me feel pretty lucky that I only have to do this once every 3 weeks.What side effects were they getting?Is this when you really start to get sick, do you go onto weekly chemo when the cancer has spread so far that the only way of trying to get rid of it is to have chemo as often as this.I have cancer and there is so much I don’t know about it.I know a small part, the small part that affects me.The small part that I know would probably be like taking one ball out of a child’s ball pit that contained a couple of thousand balls.This brings me back to awareness.I was totally unaware of what cancer entailed, I still am. I thought that cancer was just a bug that appeared from nowhere, grew and destroyed everything in its path.The truth is that we are all born with it and at some point something triggers these cells off to start growing.Cancer needs something it likes to be able to grow and in my case the food it likes is my hormones.But what triggers it off?I was a late developer and didn’t start my menstrual cycle until 2 days before my 16th birthday so saying that if I was destined to have breast cancer shouldn’t it have reared its head later on in my life?You know when I was in my fifties or sixties.I suppose that everyone has their own idea’s of why we get breast cancer but I am lead to think that it’s a knock on effect from us women messing around with our hormones.The contraceptive pill is I think one contributing factor, to me this makes sense.Messing about with hormones has to have some effect.I was only on the contraceptive pill for a short time but for quite a few years I did mess about with my hormones when I was going through IVF treatment, injecting myself and sniffing hormones every day, putting my body through a mild menopause, all this has to have something to do with my breast cancer.The thing is if you asked outright if this is the case; doctors, nurses and professionals just smile and shake their heads as if to say ‘No don’t be daft’.I know a lot of people say that stress plays a huge part; but is this true?We as a nation now strive on stress; if we don’t get stressed in our jobs were not working hard enough.We are stressed to get in a full day’s work and fit in all the cleaning and shopping. If we find ourselves with half an hour to spare we start stressing that we’ve forgotten to do something, and because we start stressing about what it is we have forgotten, this time is taken up and then we start stressing because we haven’t had a minute.Is cancer growing?Is it effecting more and more people or is it just purely that we have learnt to talk about it, we know it’s not a contagious disease, we’ve learnt over the years that it’s not something to be embarrassed about and it is good to talk openly about it.
Listening and talking to the other breast cancer patients made me even more determined that I wanted to have a bilateral mastectomy.I wanted to do everything in my power to try and prevent this thing from coming back after I get rid of it.In my mind I am going to beat this thing and one day I will be able to say that ‘I am a 20+ year survivor’ Saying that I already know that having breast cancer has changed my whole outlook on life.I know that it will be with me forever.Not because I won’t have beat it but because it will always be there in the back of my mind.You hear stories of woman worrying all the time about the cancer coming back and I suppose I will become one of them worrying women.Worrying ‘What if’ it comes back and worrying about the worst case scenario that it does indeed come back?I tend not to worry about things until I know there is something to worry about but when it’s your life that’s at risk I am wondering whether I will still be able to think that way. The thought of this cancer growing inside me for a full year before being diagnosed leaves me wondering whether I will be able to be rid of this thing for good, but like I said why worry about something unless you know there is something to worry about.Plus so far I am responding really well to the chemo and by the time I have had my surgery and radiotherapy there definitely won’t be any of the little squatters left.
The time was no going on half past 10 and there was still no sign of me getting my treatment as yet.Other patients were being called in and some who had been sat there longer than my mum and I was still sitting there.It wasn’t a case of first come first served, or by appointment time.It was a case of; as the chemo drugs were ready whoever they belonged to; got to be served their special brew of Chemo Cocktail.
Quarter to 12 and at last my name was called.My mum and I walked through and took our seats in the treatment room.The IV needle went in without any problems and I had the first bag of saline flushed through followed by all the anti-nausea med and then it was time for the Red stuff.This seems to be getting easier and didn’t seem to take that long at all.My mum was sent down to pharmacy to take my prescription and after a good hour she returned just in time for them connecting me up to the cyclophosphamide.An hour for this and a further 15 minutes for the saline flush and I will have completed my 3rd round of chemo.My mum and I had come prepared a goody bag today; Sandwiches, crisps, and to top that we had also took in Lee’s portable DVD player and the film Braveheart to watch.My mum and I started the film straight away and it didn’t take us long to get started on the crisps.The film had only been playing for about 20 minutes when the screen went black.Talk about dizzy blonde!Well I was blonde when I had hair, before I lost it to the chemo, and this was definitely one of them blonde joke experiences.I had forgotten to charge the batteries up.That was it and with nothing left to do we tucked into the sandwiches.
The cyclophosphamide was taking forever and I noticed that every time I moved my arm the drip either slowed down or completely stopped dripping altogether.I needed to keep still and wanted to close my eyes and sleep for a while but I couldn’t settle.My head was buzzing from all the steroids, ant-nausea and chemo drugs now.Time after time I kept looking up at the chemo bag hung on the metal stand beside me; wishing and hoping that the next time I looked up at it, it would be empty.I wanted to be done and be out of here.My mum was starting to moan now and fidgeting in her chair.She was starting to feel the effects of the semi-hard chair she was sat in and was moaning about her back aching.I was sat in the reclining chair and this was getting uncomfortable for me so I can imagine how my mum must have been feeling sitting in that hard one.I started to really feel for my mum and knowing that she had now had enough of sitting there with me made me feel like I’d had enough even more.I wanted to just get up and walk out, but how could I?I needed this chemo stuff.I could feel myself welling up. I wanted to go home and if I’d have had the courage to whip the needle out of the back of my hand I would have done.I was stuck because without the chemo what would my life be like; would I even have a life.I looked round at my mum who was still moaning about her back aching. ‘Go away tears’ I kept telling myself but the more I tried to tell myself that everything was alright the tears welled up even more.I couldn’t look at my mum now.I knew if she saw me with tears welling up that would be it and the tears would start falling like a huge waterfall. I felt that it would be easier if I was just dropped off at the hospital and telephoned them to pick me up again when I was done, at least that way I wouldn’t feel like I was putting anyone out. I hate putting people out.My head was buzzing around more and more.I was flushing and so desperately wanted to take my wig off and cool down.No-one ever takes their wig off.Why do we do this?Why do we sit there with the thick hot uncomfortable itchy wigs on our heads that make our hot flushes 100 times worst?I’ll tell you why.It’s to show everyone out there that we can still look good despite being bald from the chemo and the bloatedness of the steroids, but deep down all I wanted to do was rip the wig from off my head and scream and shout ‘Get me Out Of here’.I was now at the stage of whether to just let the tears fall and be done with it when I heard my mum’s voice.“Are you alright?”That was it the tears started “No! I can’t do this” I sniffled. “I want to go homeI don’t want to be sat here anymore” I didn’t want to put people that I loved through this anymore, them sitting patiently beside me while I had the poisons pumped through my body to kill the cancer and whatever else was laying in its path.
Why did I have to have a day like this today?I wanted to show my mum how easy I coped with the chemo; I wanted to show her that I was strong and that it didn’t really bother me.Was it because of the wait before I actually got started or was it because I could feel the negative vibes coming from my mum, her back was killing her and I knew she was ready to go home!My mum consoled me and told me that I can do this, she told me that she was proud of me and that I had surprised everyone of how strong I actually am.I smiled at her and my tears had now changed to silly happy ones.She was right, I am strong and I can do this.You know it goes hand in hand don’t you when you’re already in tears and then someone you care about says the nicest things, Yup you keep crying; but with little smiles and laughter in-between.It’s strange but times like this when things aren’t quite going to plan my mind goes on autopilot to ‘Dr X’.I know there is no point in dwelling on what she has done to me, I know it won’t make it all better again and make the cancer go away or make the cancer smaller like it was back in 2006 when I first spotted it, but I do think about what she has done, I think about it a lot and I always finish up thinking about how many more has she done it too and how many more she is doing it too and will do it too if I don’t do something.
I looked up at the chemo bag once again.Yes hurray at last it was done.Now to attract one of the nurse’s attention so she can change it for my last bag of saline.This was starting to be an impossible task.The ward was very busy today and the nurses were running around like maniacs from one patient to another.Even though they were run off their feet it didn’t stop them smiling and laughing with everyone though.They do a great job, they were kind, listened to our moans and gave us lots of encouragement.The blood had started backing up in the plastic tube and had got half way up it before a nurse came over.That was after my mum and I had been sat there for another half an hour.The saline bag was put on and knowing that it was just a matter of 15 minutes made me feel whole lot better.
15 minutes later and the saline bag had finished on schedule.Where were the nurses now?5, 10 15 minutes went by; the blood was backing up in the tube again. I got up and walked out onto the corridor pushing the metal stand that had the saline bag to see if I could see a nurse, where were they?I walked a bit further down, still no sign of a nurse; further I went until I eventually found one. “I’m done” I told her.“I’ll be with you in a bit” she replied.A further 20 minutes later and hurray the nurse arrived and was by my side.I was getting quite excited of the thought that I would be very soon free to leave the hospital and get out for some fresh air.The needle was taken out and before the nurse had chance to get the swabbing strapped onto the back of my hand I had my bag and coat in my other hand ready to make my quick getaway.To this day I cannot remember if my mum and I used the lift or stairs, I can’t remember how we got to the car. What I do know is that I was so relieved that I had gotten through the day and was out of the hospital and on our way home.
Today had been such a long day, we had been sat in the hospital for over 6 hours and to me this wasn’t good.I have one more treatment left on this cycle which is supposed to be the short cycle before going onto the Taxol and Gemcitabine which I have been told could take up to 6 hours.If my hour and half treatment took 5 hours what will it be like for my 5 hour treatment?
“How are you feeling” my mum asked as we travelled home.I felt better now that I was out of the hospital, as usual I had the drowsy drunken feeling but apart from that I was feeling pretty good. No sickness or other side effects to speak of and I’m still determined that I am not going to get sick.I rang lee to get the kettle on so when we arrived home he had a nice cup of coffee waiting for us.He had been worried and wondered why it had taken us so long.Of course my mum opened her big mouth and told him about my little tantrum in the hospital and the pair of them sat laughing at me.At least today is done now and I have got through my 3rd chemo.It’s not the Chemo that I can’t do it’s the sitting around on my backside doing absolutely nothing that gets to me.Yes I know I can read, but when the drugs start making you go drowsy that is the last thing that you want to do or can do.
Today I will put down as a learning experience and after having a good long laugh about it with Lee and my mum it didn’t seem half as bad as I actually thought it was.I still wouldn’t have had it any other way this morning regarding the long wait in the waiting room and my mum agreed with me.She understands 200% now why I want a bilateral mastectomy and is behind me all the way.I have decided that from now on I am not going to work to time-scales that are given by the hospital and I will from now on put the day aside for my treatment.That way if I get done earlier then it’s a bonus, if it takes longer then at least I expected it to.Yes I know today shouldn’t have taken 6 hours but then again my chemo drugs weren’t ready until nearly 12 o’clock so realistically my treatment even though I thought was going in really slow actually only took 3 hours.
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