Friday 21st July 2007; My first thought of the day was ‘I am so tired’ the hot sweats last night were unreal.I lost count the number of times I woke up to being too hot and then not being able to get back to sleep because I’d started dithering from the bed clothes being wet.Oh the cold, I get that cold my teeth start chattering and then I can’t sleep because I give myself a headache from the vibration and the noise.The sweats are getting worse and even taking the sleeping tablets last night didn’t seem to help much either. I suppose that will be down to the steroids.I wonder how long these flushes last for.Will they disappear straight away after the chemo finishes or will they slowly disappear like they slowly appeared into my life?Worse still; what if they never go away?
I looked up to the bedroom window; it was very dull and overcast and then it dawned on me that it was birthday.Yes!This perked me up no end.Today was my birthday, the big ‘40’.With this in mind I scrambled out of bed, dressing gown and slippers went on as I headed downstairs. Going down the stairs I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror.Who was that person that looked back at me?I looked back to take in the image, I looks so different now with no hair.As usual my face was as red as a baboon’s arse (as Lee kindly puts it) but what surprised me even more was the size of my cheeks.Wow they were enormous, Talk about hamster cheeks, hamsters have nothing on me at the moment.If hamsters used their cheeks to store food then with the look of mine I’d been storing food for years.I pinched them to make sure they were actually real and starting laughing to myself.Wow I could even see them when I smiled without the use of a mirror.‘Steroids’ I thought to myself and still laughing I carried on down the stairs.
My mum and Lee were already up and as I walked into the living room with a huge Cheshire cat grin combined with my enormous hamster cheeks, Lee and my mum took one look at me and started laughing; “Morning Pob” Lee said trying to get his breath.Pob!I didn’t understand “Why are you calling me Pob? I asked him, but by this time the laughter from them two was getting a little contagious and I was now laughing with them.Lee and my mum explained to me that Pob was a woo
den children’s TV character shown in the UK in the 80's who would, at the beginning of every show breathe all over the screen and write his name in it.Pob had massive cheeks.I can’t believe I was actually laughing with them.They were sat there making fun of me and all I could do was laugh.Lee now calming down a little looked up at me and blew his cheeks out gesturing for me to do the same.Yup I’m a nutter and did it.Blowing my cheeks out to look like Pob only set them off laughing even more.What was I doing I didn’t need to blow my cheeks out to look like Pob I already looked like him without doing that.My mum had tears rolling down her face now with laughing;she couldn’t believe I actually blew my cheeks out and she was amazed at how my face actually swelled with the steroids and kept asking me if I was feeling ok.All this laughing had an impact on me; my face grew to an even redder colour.“Don’t you feel hot” she asked refereeing to my bright red skin;I laughed at her or was I actually laughing at myself again,I have no idea; all I know is that only I can tell the difference between the red from the hot flushes and the red from the steroids and the red from the laughing.Apparently I look like I’m that hot I’m going to pop on both accounts but I don’t even realise that I am glowing from the steroids.
Time for birthday cards! First it was Lee’s turn he had got me such a lovely card, he gets quite soppy with cards and gets the ones with really nice long verses.Inside he never writes my name they are always addressed to ‘Angel’ which has been my nickname from him since a month after we met. I’d asked him not to buy me anything for my birthday as I would much prefer for him to treat me to some new clothes after my treatment has finished.A little like it being a new me with hair growing back and without cancer to go with the new look me with some dazzling new clothes that actually fit rather than having to wear tracksuit bottoms all the time because I’ve spread that much that everything digs in.Mind you the tracksuit bottoms I have now are starting to get a little stretched so I’m hoping that this I don’t gain any further weight or I’ll be rushing out to buy some oversized tent bottoms, tent tops and tent everything.My mum had bought me a lovely top, lots of different colours and very comfortable and light to wear.Luckily it is a loose fitting top so at least I can wear it now and still be able to wear it when and if I get back to my normal weight.She had also brought through with her all the cards and well wishes from the rest of my family.I had a lovely gift bag packed with moisturisers, and perfume from lee’s mum and lots of cards from his family too.Some of the cards I received today had money slipped inside of them which was really nice.Big spending spree here I come after Cancer Yeahhh!!!
The rest of the morning was spent drinking coffee, doing lots of talking and getting ready.Lee had arranged for us to go out for some lunch and the ‘us’ was my mum, Lee’s mum, Lee and myself.The table was booked at the ‘Exchange’ which is a Bar & Grill that serves food the American Way and is literally only 5 minutes away from our house.The Exchange is also the place that Lee took me on our first date.I loved it the first time he took me there and I was really looking forward to it today.
12.30pm and we were all ready to go.I had on my new top on that my mum had bought me along with a bandana of similar colours topped off with my little straw hat. I’d even trimmed my hat with some ribbon that I had that matched my top.I felt good and I was also starving.
Every time I looked up I could see a little boys face staring back at me.He was only young, so young in fact that he had to be seated on one of those booster seats so that he could see above the table.I tried not to look at him but I couldn’t help it.His little puzzled face kept drawing me back.I suppose this was the first time that he had seen someone eating lunch with a scarf wrapped around their head and a hat slapped on top.Or was it the colour that my face kept going that made him keep staring at me, or better still was it my hamster, Pob cheeks?I tucked into my steak which I washed down with a nice cold lager.It seemed like it was every 5 minutes that someone asked me how I was feeling, first it was Lee, closely followed by my mum and Lee’s mum.Of course I replied with the ‘I’m Ok’ remark.I was Ok apart from my head being in overdrive and my body just wanted to flop.I wanted to lean back and put my feet up but I couldn’t, I was sat in a very upright chair that was quite hard on my now getting even bigger bottom, I’m glad this top was long and actually covered it.The thing that puzzles me is that even though I am going on about my weight gain I don’t really help the situation.I seem to be eating for the whole of England.It’s as though I’ve been made to starve for a whole week but once I eat something I feel totally stuffed, and this could be anything from a biscuit to a full meal, full meals I don’t actually mange to finish though due to the fact that I either feel stuffed or I’m too tired to finish.I also think that I’m eating to prove that I can eat and also to stop me from falling asleep.Confused! So am I.
The hot flushes were making me feel more uncomfortable and trying desperately to cool down I gulped down more and more of my ice cold lager.Bad mistake, the lager seemed to be making me flush more, the more I flushed the more I drank, and the more I drank the more I flushed. Whey hey! Catch 22 where does it end?Well it didn’t end with me staggering and wobbling out of the door and slurring nonsense.I must remember to ask if I am allowed to drink alcohol with the chemo and drugs that I am on, I’ve quickly looked at the leaflet inside the packs that I have at home but haven’t seen the mention of ‘Do not drink alcohol’ but then again I did very quickly look at them as I threw them in the bin.Is that classed as self denial, what I can’t read, means it doesn’t say don’t do it.Am I wrong in thinking and doing this?Shouldn’t I be going down the really healthy road, eating all healthy and only organic foods, cutting out the bad stuff like my crisps, cream cakes and alcohol and yet here I was eating a rump steak with chips and drinking lager.Will people look upon me badly and say “Ooh look at her, she has cancer and she’s still eating crap and boozing”Lee laughs at me with the way that I’m eating and jokes about my weight gain and sometimes he does hit a nerve and I get a little upset with myself.Not for long thought as I know he’s only joking and he always reminds me that my oncologist said it is better to gain weight on chemo rather than lose it.Maybe I’m eating for the both of us!Lee isn’t eating too well these days and I am starting to get a little concerned.He’s always had a such a good appetite but lately he’s either missing meals or just picking at them, mind you he didn’t do bad today.His plate was that clean when he’d finished you’d have thought it had been in a dish washer.
After lunch we came back to our house and sat and had coffee, we talked and laughed, made fun of my Pob cheeks and laughed some more, made fun of my bald head and laughed even harder.I was tiring and Lee seeing this brought up the subject about work!He thinks it’s too much for me and says it’s time that I went on the sick until my treatment was finished.I don’t agree.Yes I know I get tired, but I need to work as it’s a bit of normality for me.“It’s not right Karen” Lee went on to say.“You’re going to work, coming home and within 10 minutes you’ve sparked out on the sofa and I feel awful waking you to tell you to go to bed, It’s too much, plus your life shouldn’t be revolving around work right now, you should be having some time for you and for us” That was it; both my mum and Lee’s mum agreed with him.I started to cry and started to feel a little pressured.I want to work as long as I can and I know I will have to go on the sick one day but in my mind it’s as though I’d be giving in if I went on the sick.Plus there’s the financial side, if I went on sick now that would mean being on the sick until after all the treatments and surgery which would be at least another 6 – 8 months.Financially we wouldn’t be able to manage.After a very long discussion it was agreed that I would at least set the ball in motion regarding the payment protection on my bank loan so at least that would be one thing less to worry about.After the heated discussion and a few tears from me, Maureen went home and Lee ran me a bath.
A Steaming hot bath with mountains of bubbles, it looked so inviting.As I lay there fully submerged I started to go over the day and even though I had taken my steroids my mind actually started to slow down from being on overdrive.I started to relax.I looked up at Lee who was sat in his usual place when it came to my bath time.“Thank you” I smiled at him.“Thank you for such a lovely day”.He leant forward and kissed me on the top of my bald head “Your welcome Angel” He replied.Tears started to well up in my eyes “What have I done now” he laughed.I looked up at him trying to hold back tears “I’m just so happy” I said.Emotionally I am becoming a bit unstable now but realise that this is down to one of the menopause symptoms that the chemo has forced upon me.I am starting to cry at the least little thing good or bad.If I’m happy it shows because I cry, if I’m sad it shows because I cry, if I’m confused I cry and I cry just for the sake of crying.Mostly the tears are happy tears because I feel so loved by everyone and I will make it up to them after this ordeal is over.Lee seeing my little emotional crisis acted quickly and passed me the bottle of shampoo saying “Your hair’s filthy, it needs washing”.I set off laughing and wanting the joke to back fire on him, took the shampoo from him, squirted a big dollop onto my head and started to wash my hairless head.When realizing that without hair shampoo doesn’t lather up I laughed “I think the shampoo’s off it’s not making bubbles”. Lee set off laughing again and ran off out of the bathroom.I sunk back down into the now semi-warm bath.I could hear him laughing downstairs and then I heard my mum start laughing “I can’t believe she actually took the shampoo off me and washed her head” he laughed as he ran back up the stairs.“Come on baldy, it’s my turn for the bath now” he laughed and then very seriously as he hand me the towel he said “I love you”.“Snap” I replied
The cards, the presents, the going out, the meal and the company; all made today so very special for my 40th. I know it's not going out and having a blast or anything or going camping on Pendle Hill that I originally would have like to have done, but saying that I wouldn't change a thing. Happiness is where your heart is and my heart is with the ones I love and the ones who love me back. Lately Lee and I are connecting on a different level; we don't need to speak to know what each other is thinking. I honestly believe that he is my soul mate. Lee some of the nicest things that I have ever heard my favourite being; Love is Stronger than Cancer
What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited that:
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit
It cannot lesson the power of the resurrection.
